Bathroom Secrets

So the baby isn't even here yet and it has already altered the state of my marriage.  Since meeting and becoming a couple, we talk about and share almost everything.  ALMOST.  The one off limits topic has always been the bathroom, or more specifically, what occurs in the bathroom.  I am not shy or squeamish and my girlfriends and I have discussed the topic countless times.  I just choose not to discuss it with the one  person with whom I need to maintain  my sex appeal.  For four years I have managed to keep the mystery alive and have had my husband convinced that I do not poop.  This has required some skill on my part and some really good timing, but I have pulled it off.  Vacations, family get togethers, weekends, even illness, but he has never had a clue. 

That all changed this week.  Because I have had some serious food aversions, my diet has been less than stellar.  Meat and salad are both currently on the baby's "Do Not Eat" list.  Add to this that the baby LOVES cheese and prenatal vitamins and you will begin to see where this is going.  After a week of no bathroom action I was not in the best of moods.  I finally clued Rocky in to my predicament and thus began the downward spiral. 

Finally fed up one evening, I went into the bathroom to sit until something happened.  About 20 minutes later I get a text message..."Are you okay?"  I emerge and inform him that I am not okay and that it was  not a successful visit. 

At the grocery store the next day I decide to try a different approach.  I purchased Fiber One cereal, Fiber One snack bars, and a ton of fruit.  I also started adding spinach to my protein shakes.  Rocky periodically checked in with me from day to day to see if there was any progress.  My bathroom habits were quickly becoming a main topic of conversation and at this point I am well on my way to my demise. 

The final straw came when I finally had a successful bathroom visit at work of all places.  I was so excited and relieved that without thinking I texted my husband, "I finally pooed!!" To this came the response, "Wow!  I never thought I would get a text like that from you!  What can we do tonight to celebrate your 10 pound dump?"

We are now one of "those" couples all thanks to this baby...